Lately, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed.
It's a combination of factors, really. There's being a mommy, doing the job of two at work, dealing with changes at church, having too little time to clean, being on the road too much to eat healthy, and just a general feeling of, as my 10th grade French teacher would have said, "running behind the 8 ball." (She had a lot of weird expressions that we made fun of her for at the time, but somehow they've weaseled their way into my vernacular. I bet she's the one laughing now...)
On the days when I tell myself, 'I'm only going to work a few hours this afternoon and just lay in bed and play with Eli for an extra hour,' something seems to go horrible awry with the website, or a flower delivery, or a demographic case study that gets stuck in someone's junk mail.
On the days that I say, "Okay, I'm going to actually mop my floor. For the first time in mooooonths." I end up getting distracted by all the scout emails that are all about this overwhelming word, "Rechartering" and I have to leave 99% of my furniture on my area rug for the next 24 hours. Fortunately, Mike's good enough to say, "Wow, half of the floors look nice!" instead of, "Why's there a bird aviary on my sofa?"
Every job seems only half finished. Half jobs are finished weeks later. Not started jobs are abandoned with a little twinge of regret.
I think it's starting to be too much for one superwoman to do.
The sad thing is, I've eagerly been anticipating the day when I get to announce to all my friends and family that I am quitting my job. Cuz guess what? I am! And it is so, so very exciting. There's more on this job situation to come, but suffice it to say that a little arrangement for me to stay on board until we find a replacement is turning into a nightmare. A perpetual ellipses, if you will.
And maybe, since I already feel like I'm quitting, I just want to be able to be done. D-O-N-E. But I'm not. I'm still checking emails first thing when I wake up and last thing before I go to bed. I'm still attending four hour long policy meetings. And I think I might actually not be able to avoid our busiest marketing time of the year, March, a.k.a. Colon Cancer Awareness Month, like I was really looking forward to. Let me clarify. Looking forward to missing.
And ever since reading the amazing Sharlee's blog, the one where she lists a newly clean house as one of her favorite things in the world, I've been feeling a bit like a horrible homemaker for all the dust gathering in the corners and all the husband's socks strewn about.
And ever since that word, "Scouts" became associated with my name at church, I've been a little confused. Okay, petrified is more like it. I'm the Second Counselor in the Primary Presidency and we've had a lot of changes lately. There was the ward reorganization, which was fine, and I really do love the Primary children, even though every Sunday I still miss the fun ladies I used to work with, and then there was figuring out how to put on the monthly baptisms, which was confusing at first, but now is very rewarding, but now... Scouts? Just that one word has been striking fear into my heart. I need to actually figure it out. But I just don't have time. I mean, have you seen the Scout Handbook?
And I've been drinking too much Dr. Pepper. And I haven't had time to sign up for my Groupon Zumba classes, which I was so looking forward to. Haven't been able to prune my rose bush or mulch my bougainvilleas. Haven't been able to return Mike's Christmas hoodie or Eli's humidifier. Haven't even started to read my book club's novel this month, and I'm leading the discussion. Haven't gone Visit Teaching yet.
There's a lot of that going on in my brain lately. An endless stream of things I need to do, or need to do better. It's starting to make me feel like a big ole failure.
But, even as I'm typing all this out, I'm listening to Eli squeal in his jumper beside me, trying to get the cat to look at him, and I don't feel the need to include him in my "Haven'ts." Because he's definitely my Have.
I have sacrificed that clean floor for holding him. I have avoided a trip to the store so that he could have a bath and some green beans. I have missed chiming in on a few early morning email chains because I've been sleeping in to catch up on some of those stubborn 4 a.m. wake ups that are lingering. I have dressed him every morning and rocked him to sleep every night. And I have made it this long nursing, despite some really long work days and one embarrassing chiropractor visit.
Eli being my "Have" lets me know that I must be doing something right. One very little, very rewarding thing.
It's just that doing that one thing right doesn't really compensate for how everything else seems to be falling apart. It should, though, right?
Somehow I'm just not there yet. Is this normal? Does everyone feel this way? Or do I just need to bite the bullet and call in a maid service?
No, you are not the only one that feels this way. Sometimes not everthing gets taken care of. For the most part our down stairs is usually clean, but the rest of the house for get it. We can't do it all and as women we feel like we need to do it all, be everything for everyone. Are Mike and Eli being taken care of? Then you are doing what you are suppose to be doing. So what if there are baskets full of clean laundry hiding in your room, at least they are clean.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to Motherhood! Even when you aren't working there never seems to be enough hours in the day to do everything you'd like to. All I can say is hang in there, learn to pick your battles, and don't be afraid to slow down every once in awhile to enjoy the men in your life!
ReplyDeleteOh the craziness!
ReplyDeleteBut I love how you end this post--and you are completely right. Eli is the most important thing you can be doing right now, and if you're doing that, the rest doesn't matter.
And I think that sometimes, being a mom simply means you only mop your floors once every three or four months. :) We used to just "spot mop" our kitchen whenever we'd have friends over...and other than that it just didn't happen. But it's okay.
And just think how nice it's going to be when you finally do get to quit working!!
....and you are blogging!!! More than I can say for myself. I still need to look into the summer vacation thingy too...before it's too late. Ugh! Oh, and there have been a few times when I have hired a cleaning lady (mostly during morning sickness/pregnancy) and it is great, and totally worth it! You are a rockstar, and all us moms at some point have to change our standards to be realistic. XO
ReplyDeleteI posted my response on my blog.
ReplyDeleteOh Allison. You obviously don't realize how wonderful you really are. We are all going to have those times where we feel like a total failure. But don't worry... as my mom always says "this too shall pass." Just keep doing the most important things (loving hubby and baby) and everything else will fall into place when the time is right. Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteI laughed so much at Stacy's blog, so true, all of it! It really does get better though as your baby gets older. Life right now is so cute and precious, but the hard part should never be minimized. It is DANG HARD! And yes, everyone feels that way, no matter what happy pill they are taking! But I believe you will really bounce back after you quit, I don't know how you can possibly do housework and work and baby duty all the time. I don't all all the details of when you can quit, but I will be praying it is soon! And I do think you have to pick your battles. I never thought I would be used to a messy house but I am now. That's kinda sad eh? :-) But I have learned to be happy anyways and I think that is the real key. :-) Call me whenever you want to vent!
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